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[06 Feb 2009|09:14pm] |
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things are really bad right now....
im caught on a cross roads of left or right...once again....
im thinking its about time i just up and leave....i should've been gone by now but the unknown force is forcing me to stay...what the fuck...
i've brought my wall back up....my safe point, my safe spot....
other then that...
i cant even look in the mirror and recongize myself anymore....
i've gotten myself to that point and its opened my eyes....
/sigh....
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[23 Sep 2008|07:15pm] |
Alright, a piece of my mind...for those of you that roleplay with me..pay very close attention to my blog posting...its not a pretty thing either as to what i have to say....
I am really starting to get fed up with people and their rps...Well basically im getting pretty fed up with people in general..SO, here is the deal with me...
Everyone learns to roleplay, however everyone learns to roleplay in a different way...some follow the ways of someone else within rpg games /rp online...and others just learn to do it themselves.
Me, i am someone that does not follow in peoples footsteps. if i am going to do something, its going to be done in my own way and because i want to do it. Especially when i am roleplaying...
Within my own opinion, there is no actual wrong nor right way to roleplay. But what i am getting really extremely sick of are the things listed below...and yes, i am going to go into depth here with saying all of this alright.
- First of all, i am getting really sick and tired of people downing on me within YAHOO chatrooms. Why should i have to roleplay like another person and use another persons skills within rp? i mean seriously, what difference does it make if i do a multi,semi, or just a paragraph like you or the next person? is that going to make me a better person? no, actually its not. if i want to semi,multi,para,or just one line, then those are my choices. not someone elses...I SHOULDNT HAVE TO RP LIKE ANOTHER PERSON DOES. and im getting really sick and tired of people telling me how to do something...PEOPLE JUST REALLY NEED TO BACK THE FUCK OFF OF ME AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
-Second of all...where are people getting off telling me how to run my fucking characters? if i make the character, or i make an rp board, or an rp storyline, DO NOT, be telling me WHAT TO FUCKING DO... if i created the character that i am going to play, then I WILL DECIDE on how the character will be played,escpecially when it is my creation.
-third of all...i am going to say this loud and i am going to say this clearly...i am really getting sick and tired of people pushing their skills off onto me...LOOK, if you are going to roleplay with me. stop showing me what kind of roleplaying skills you have. honestly, i dont care about a persons skills within roleplay..if you can semi,multi,para,t1,t2,t3,melee all of that good shit..good for you, but honestly who really fucking cares? i no longer fucking care about that shit...i will clap my hands for you and be like yay good for you, why do i fucking care? what happend to using your imagination anymore? to me, roleplaying is just for fun...there are people that do it to escape their everyday life, but there are also people out there that like to roleplay because it is for fun. Me, i roleplay because i think it is fun, and i love seeing people use their imaginations and their make belief..
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Onto my next thing for this post.
People just really need to seriously back it off of me though for real. Stop downing on me because im not like you or the next person. i dont want to be like another person, i like myself and you know what...its getting very old to be sitting here watching people online downing on the next person.
in all honest, lets seriously look at it from this point of view...
Isnt it really sad that you cant go into a chatroom anymore these days BECAUSE FULL GROWN ADULTS CANT ACT THEIR AGE? i mean seriously,you walk into a chatroom and this adult is fighting with another adult over the most stupidest thing that ever was.this adult is treating this adult like shit and having to bring another person down so they can feel better. So this other adult has to fight back and constantly stand up for themselves...or this person is attacking this person, hurting their feelings,tearing them down, making them look bad infront of everyone else so they can look good,and so they can feel better for themselves.
it is why i left the yahoo chatrooms and the yahoo roleplaying rooms..i mean seriously, people think its because im scared of them, and what not.no its because i am so fed up with them that they arent even worth my time, my space, nor the air that i breathe. I myself nor another person should not have to dress like another person,talk like another person,act like another person,be like another person,nor roleplay like another person just to be accepted or to be that persons friend.
In all honesty, i am not afraid of another person, people dont scare me. If i stray myself away from you, maybe instead of getting so pissed off about it, maybe sit down and talk to me, or maybe take a look at to how you've been treating me.I am not a dog, i am not an animal, i am not a pet, i am not a slave, i am not an object to be owned. i am a person being and i would like to be treated like a person being. I have feelings just like the next person does but alot just treat me like i dont have feelings ect and im really getting sick of that to.
For alot of you that is wondering why, im not so keen on letting anyone in behind my walls. Have it ever occured to you that its a possibility as to how you treat me? Read over everything i have just ranted about. You all wanna whine bitch and complain because i wont let you in. Have you ever took a step back to see the reasons why? Put yourself into my place for once.No wait a minute i take that back. Please dont! But seriously, Take a look at maybe alot of the ways you treat me to figure it out. Like, everytime i try to talk to someone, they tell me that things will get better and i will get over it. Or they turn my situtation around so it is about them. or they just plain out act as if they dont care. You say you've been there for me, but you never actually listen to me. You can hear me, You hear me out, You can understand what i am saying..But you never actually listen to me.
Jeff- I know you are going to read this because you worry alot about me, but just so you know, your one of the ones that this rant is not about. and Jeff, yes i mean you Jeff from theglobe.com...i have known you for what about nine years now? i've known you longer then what i have known anyone else online. Your my bro so i dont have a reason to be pissed at you..
Anaki chicka- I've known you for what? five years...within Enchantica...im not mad at you either..
JaJa- im not mad at you either, but you need to let up a little bit about owning me and shit.Stop treating me like an object and start treating me like a person.
to everyone else...im not mad, but seriously...everyone should read carefully what i posted and maybe for once try to see how i am feeling about things as well..Come on now guys, i am opening myself up a little bit here and trying to tell you all how i am feeling about certain things.
Will Doogie and Others that are close to me- im not mad at you either.-
Also, One last thing to say...Im not going to act,be,or do things like you all do...im not going to dress like you, wear make up like you,do my hair up,act snotty,ect....I am going to be myself, so either you all need to start accepting that and taking me as i am..or you all can just leave, get out of my space, get out of my air, get out of my face ect. But if you do, dont turn around and look back because this time im not sticking around. And also this time, i am not going to change myself or start doing things that another person WANTS me to DO...it isnt going to work that way anymore. The tables are now turned, im not a slave,im not a puppy,im not an object, and i am certainly not a pet. no more..not this time..
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[03 Sep 2008|07:39pm] |
okk..so here is the outline of it all...
im finally breaking....but not in a goodway or goodline of breaking...im actually starting to release the hatred energy that i have built up from my childhood until now....see...its starting today..
first of all, i snapped at work while in the kitchen getting snacks ready...i just blew up....and i couldnt controll it..
second of all...i snapped at my mother this evening as well...
third of all...im in a very violent mood....its like, im wanting to make everything within my path explode...and i want to see everything waste away...into nothingness...like what i've become...
appearantly....my emptiness is taking its toll...and something thats been staying heavily with me..which i could seriously kill for...but i shall not because its probably true is what Athena..Mother...what we all call her anyways...said to me...something that only one other knows about to....it was when i first met Athena..before i accepted her even as a friend...
Anyways....
im a ticking bomb...and when i finally get down to the final tick tock....i will explode..and then when i explode...
im running out of room, running out of space to hold everything in on the inside...and i cant take it anymore...its killing me....
what do i do? do i let it out until i am flat....or do i keep trying to fight to keep myself as how everyone supposedly knows me as?
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[09 Aug 2008|07:47pm] |
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fuck you |
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its been five days and i still cant go to sleep...though my body keeps trying to crash, my mind is still running 10 thousand miles per hour..
i have to much on my mind thats driving me insane, to much to say but i dont feel like it..
im not falling apart, atleast i dont think i am unless im missing something or i havent come to the conclusion that im fucked yet.
living on my own is driving me out of my wall..
THE PEOPLE THAT LIVE DIRECTLY ABOVE ME ARE HAVING FUCKING SEX AND THE OTHER ONES WONT STOP FUCKING ARGUING AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT..
-coughs- im done..
anyways, im drifting between the light and the darkness...i want to be light, but at the same time, i just dont want to give a fuck anymore...
what shall i do? im a little lost here -rubs forehead-
on a stranger note:
we all decided at Harding Pointe, that i have seriously either
A) completely and utterly lost my mind
B) been working at Harding Pointe for way to long
-OR-
C) both..
if you dont know what harding point is, its a nursing home for behavorial people/mentally ill people that can not live on their own...i do activities there so its all good.see a few days ago for an activity we did crafts, we made puppets.
i made two puppets, their both named bob, we came to the conclusion, myself and the residents that the bobs are lovers, ones a nerd and the other is a geek..O.O teehee...
anyways, im not sure what im doing anymore, sadly but truely...im still trying to figure myself out but nothing seems to help.i could go and talk to someone about my problems,a friend,a loved one..but it just wont seem to help..they hear what your saying, but they dont either listen or understand....
oh the joys of being AD/HD i mean seriously, if you have it you'll understand what im talking about..it fucking sucks...especially when they put you on medicine and it'll either fuck you over and make you sick, or it just doesnt seem to help much..
yeah, when i take it,it makes me extremely calm,collective,and relaxed...but at the same time, it makes me feel a little weezy within the stomache....and way to tired might i add -le sigh-
-goes back into closest, shuts the door, locks it from the inside and tries to disappear-
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[01 Aug 2008|06:08pm] |
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[26 Jul 2008|08:02pm] |
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i need to speak to someone....
however said someone no longer exist...
because said someone no longer exist
it means im bottled up again !.!
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[21 Jul 2008|11:45am] |
Linus Torvalds has as much authority as the Pope. he just doesn't have as many people who believe it. Linus Torvalds doesn't receive error messages. Linus Torvalds rmmodded Richard Stallman's razors. |
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[20 Jul 2008|10:04pm] |
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rolled these stats....my friend did it for me..
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| Writer's Block: Supermarket Grabfest |
[20 Jul 2008|06:16pm] |
1) Donughts
2_Chocolate whip cream and regualr Whip Cream, several cans of it thank you very much.
3) Strawberries
4) Shaving Cream
5) More Razors
6) Lots Of candy ((Alls Kinds)
7) Paper and pens
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| Who I Am VS Who I AM Not |
[20 Jul 2008|10:56am] |
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so,i guess i can start from the beginning of things... things are taking a change for once...it can be a good change within my life..or it can be a very bad thing within my life..let me start with last night....a very good friend of mine came over last night and stayed the night with me. no nothing happend between us, we are just best friends, i kinda grew up with the guy. but he held a concern for me and something he needed to talk to me about. im actually glad that he came over and we stayed up all night talking... heres a little something about our conversation which really brought my attention up highly to things.
Basically this is what my friend had to say to me:
i have alot going on for me, from the day i was born until today i have been blessed and i have been given a chance...i've walked down alot of many paths which to him is a surprise that i am a survivor of these paths due to the fact that many that traveled along the same paths as i have, have never actually survived, either they committed suicide or their taking themselves down on the slow suicide path of drugs and alochol giving up everything they have....
my friend expressed to that i to have traveled down that road and almost gave up whom i am..He watched me go down the path of alochol and drugs, but he watched me bounce back up.however when i bounced back up i became something im not..i became this dark hateful person...this person so afraid to letting others in, this person whom just didnt give a fuck about others around me, i stopped caring about those around me, i stopped being peoples friend, i started to let everyone around me down, even my family i have let down. i have pushed those that i loved, those that loved me, those that i cared about, and those that cared about me away. He said that he thinks that my reasons for doing so is because i got to close to someone, to close to them and when they died i felt as if i were left behind, as if i were abannonded just as i were as a baby, when my birth parents did not want me so they tried to throw me away however it didnt work due to the police officer getting to me before they had the chance to throw me away..i dont know whom this police officer is, but whomever you are, thank you.
anyways,
as our conversation continued i almost broke down last night....what he is talking about is holding onto so much meaning...here is a little bit more of our conversation that we had...yes he did most of the talking because he told me i was just to listen and he was to do the talking.
Anyways,
he also told me that something had happend to me four years ago, something bad, something deep. but through it all, i was given the gift of a child. he told me that i am taking another path now, but this path is a good path because im slowly starting to come around, im slowly starting to come back to the person he once knew before i took my fall for the worse. He said that everyone voted for me to fail as a parent, everyone voted for me to turn out to being just like her due to the path i chose to take back in the 11th grade. however to everyone's surprise, i proved everyone wrong, proved to everyone that i am nothing like my birth mom, i may look a little bit like her, i may have her bad attitude but i am not her. He told me that i am a wonderful parent, im tough going with my child, everything that i have been doing lately has been for the better of my daughter. she might not live with me as of right now, she might be living with my parents for the time being, but it doesnt mean i am a horrable parent. i have shown to everyone and proven to everyone that i love my daughter, and thats all that i need within my life is my daughter. i can live without everyone else but without my daughter i honestly cant. my friend had made the mention loud and clear that when i got preggy with my daughter, he had seen the changes being made within me. he said that he could sense and see the loving caring person i used to be slowly coming back, and i am slowly coming back.
He told me however that the story of my life should be and needs to be told, i need to sit down and begin to write the book and call it the story of my life. he said that he is inspired by me. he told me that everything i have gone through, until now is just something that people should hear because maybe i could help people out there within the pain, the suffering and the harmness that i have gone through and being the strong person that i am to getting back onto my feet. he told me last night that to him i am a gift, something that was sent here to do alot of suffering but to prove to others that everyone goes through something within their life, but if they keep pushing themselves and pulling themselves through, they all still have the chance to come back around and coming back to being whom they once were.
My friend however told me that i need to introduce to everyone the person i truely am. He told me that i have introduced everyone to the person i have become, the person i truely am not. he told me that nobody knows whom i truely am, but i should introduce to everyone whom i truely am. let everyone get the chance to know me and to understand me and where i come from.
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| My First T1 Spar (Just Messing Around In Rp Still Learning T1) |
[13 Jul 2008|07:50am] |
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vampiric_manie: Manie had appeared walking out of the forest onto the battle feild.she wore black leathered knee high boots with zippers up one side,a black leather skirt that went right above her knees with slits in both sides of the skirt,a black sleeveless shirt that went right below her breast.over her eyes she wore a black silky blindfold.Manie had long crimpy curly blonde like hair and her eyes when uncovered were a deep dark violet red color.Manie had a tat upon her back of a strange looking cross...this cross however was an actual design not a cross,and on the left palm was the tat of an eye.upon manies left wrist was what looked to be a broken chain however the chain actually hid two things upon it..the first one was a little faceless demon that only had a mouth but could also hear... when this demon was released, the demon was violent as hell and ate its way through the persons body first bitting it and its poison when released turned the person into metal and then the demon would eat through them as if they were nothing.however the second part upon the chain was the main part,a sword. the sword did not have a hilt,the blade was made of a blood red crystal and this sword was extremely huge,much bigger and powerful then the swd sword. however this sword also talked like the swd sword but it never shut up which is what annoyed manie the most however it did not annoy her like it does everyone else that is exposed to this sword.whenever manie uses this sword is normally when she is near a tree,wall,gate ect to plant the sword through them and cause them to be stuck to it. manie however did not really have very much powers,she never really fed because everytime she feeds she goes into this blood frenzy killing spree and she doesnt stop until she passes out.manies fangs however were not vampiric fangs,they were white with blood red swirled into them and were very sharp like pin needles and glittered like marble.her eyes were very sensitive to light. her eyes are sensitive to light,they are like hawk eyes made with night googles.so though her eyes were a deep dark violet red color she saw green..the lightest touch of light to her eyes would cause her eyes to bleed..her weakness is having her chain ripped from her wrist. astral_psionic_elementalist: Zero stood on the field with a thick black blindfold around his eyes he would not be allowed to see during this fight,Zero could see the energy of things around him he saw Manies little pet and gave a slight chuckle.Zero wore no shirt or shoes he stood there in a pair of balck tripp pants.Zero's sword was in the ground infront of him there were three runes on it the runes dealt in gravity fire or shadow possession..Zero felt the tattoo on his right hand began to pulsate to let him know that it was time to fight or die.Zeros powers included All forms of Astral walking and some elemental control but the astral walking would be cut off to anyone. astral_psionic_elementalist: that was not from the realm of Alinjah the elemental control would be cut off as well but seeing as Zero spent alot of time and had placed the barrier around Alinjah that prevented these things from being done he could easly do them.Zero wasnt sure if Manie was from ALinjah but something told him she was he merely shrugged and aited for manie to make the first move vampiric_manie: manie made her way completely up to Zero.she was really clueless as to why she was called out for a spar.her mood however was set on high.she stared him down.her long fangs baring angerily as she had the look of a glare upon her face.being the empress of the alinjah realm she let out a scream and suddenly began to charge rest of the way acrossed the feild. her chain falling down to her side her hands held infront of her.it was as if she knew right where he was standing astral_psionic_elementalist: Zero shook his head as manie began walking up to him the scream had no effect on Zero whasoever.Zero held up his right hand and a rune on his sword began to glow. a black aura surronded manie and stopped her from getting all the way to Zero.if she touched the dome it would shock her if she tried to teleport out of it it would steal some of her energy but,Zero had feelings for manie but was not going to go easy on this woman.The aura that surrounded manie was meant to kill her and do that it would.if manie weighed 150 pounds outside the dome inside of it she would weigh one point five million pounds Zero merely stood there as he let astral_psionic_elementalist: the aura kill Manie. vampiric_manie: -manie suddenly stuck in this aura..she attempt to touch it getting shocked.she then fell to the ground onto her knees glarring angerily at him through her black silky blindfold..her chain began to rattle feeling heavier then ever.her chain continued to rattle as chain was awakening and coming out. she watched him still through the blindfold.waiting for the moment- astral_psionic_elementalist: Zero shook his head the chain would not help her in this moment he flicked his hand which caused the gravity to increase to 2 and a half million times greater than it was Manie should be dead by now but she wanted to glare Zero had no emotion on his face he merely wanted her dead.He watched as her body was crushed insntatly her little demon meant nothing to him The demon would die just as brtual as manie just did
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| Writer's Block: Earth Vacation |
[13 Jul 2008|07:35am] |
Why The Hell was i sent to earth?
Earth is a green place, with big blue spots all over it..and the people on the earth are high insane....one tried to squish me like a bug.
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[12 Jul 2008|09:55am] |
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[12 Jul 2008|09:39am] |
you know, where i work at cracks me up upon alot of things.
i think alot of us has been working there for way to long.
well, let me get to the good news.
i am along with 9 others nominated to become employee of the month.
anyways about where i work at.
its a behavorial unit, so i work with crazy and mentally ill people.
anyways,
there reason i say alot of us has been working there way to long is because of this.
for one, one of the nurses wanted to kill someone,
the DON emailed someone about the food dieases LMAO that was hilarous.
and me, well im just as crazy as normal. :D
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